Holistic Weight Loss Is Way Harder Than I Thought

The smell of nag champa should have tipped me off.

As I walked into this holistic weight loss expert's small basement office, I came expecting to be inspired. She helped my friend shed a significant amount of poundage, and I was excited for this expert to scrutinize me and tell me that really, if I just cut out Diet Coke or cheesy dinners at 'inoteca, I'd drop a cool 20. Not so much.

Instead, I was given some advice, which, while it clearly worked for my friend, does not work with my logic or general understanding of the world. According to this woman, grilled chicken is "so fattening because the chickens are sent to fat farms," more than two liters of water a day is verboten and even a quarter-cup of sliced black olives is enough to put me squarely into heffer territory.

I took all of her advice with a pinch of cayenne pepper (which I should be putting in my water each morning, she says), because I wasn't buying her advice. Here's why:

a) For me, her diet - which consisted of mostly cold oats, baked potatoes (which I hate) and dandelion root tea - is frankly unrealistic for me. If you totally detest the food you're eating, you're probably not going to stick to a diet for long. That's what I've found, at least.

and

b) The times when I've lost the most weight was when I was gleefully feasting on Walden Farms Calorie Free Chocolate Syrup, Reduced Fat Skippy Peanut Butter, Fat Free Redi-Whip, Skinny Cow Ice Cream Sandwiches, Wegmans Light Wheat Bread and Lean Cuisines, all stuff I think she would have had a heart attack if I mentioned I'd ever ingested.

No, I left her offer of 4 p.m. dandelion tea right on the table. But what I did buy was a shaman's ransom of herbal supplements to help balance out my system, which, according to this lady, is completely out of whack. Maybe. We'll see. Per her advice, I have to gulp a constellation of small pills four times a day now.

I'm grateful for the advice about herbal supplements (of which, I previously knew nada), but when it comes to dieting, I'd prefer to stick to my New York-based diet guru - his advice is a helluva lot more pragmatic than the London homeopath.

"If you have to spray Windex on it to stop yourself from eating it, then do it. Whatever works."

Spritz-spritz!

Valery Joseph: Land of Golden Arches, Brow Dreams

I've worked in beauty for nearly a decade now, and I've never entrusted my brows to anyone on this planet but the excellent Rachel Gangemi at Valery Joseph.

I managed to hold out for months on end to see her when I headed back to New York, and there she plucked, snipped and waxed my brows to perfection. She gets hairs where you don't even think there's hair. I swear, her vision is like a 20X mirror. She makes your face look cleaner, brighter and more awake.

When I walked out into the clear light of Madison Avenue in the morning, I felt reborn.

London Brow Experts, Where Art Thou?

London girls with great brows, I need your help.

For the past six years, I've been fiercely loyal to my brow artist, the excellent Rachel at Valery Joseph in New York. Unfortunately, I'm now starting to lose the fantastic shape she created, and attempting to recreate it just results in frustration and asymmetrical brows. I need a London brow expert, stat.

I've heard there's someone by Kensington Church Street, but that she's a real brow bully -- the kind of person who will yell at you for touching up in between. Not really into paying for intimidation, so she's out.

I'm looking for someone who creates thin, gorgeous, nicely arched brows. NOT SPERMY ONES.

Any suggestions? I'll tell them you sent me.